Thankful Beyond Words

Image:  Living By Faith Homestead/ Tracy Few

As some of you reading this may or may not know, my current method of employment is as a customer service phone rep out of the homestead.  All of my work is done here, remotely, on a computer I have dedicated for just this job.

When I first acquired my rep job in March of 2016, it was thrilling to think I could work out of the homestead, in my pajamas, and still provide for me the the girls.  At the time Baby Booh was also very sick, and was on dialysis.  My homestead based job allowed me the flexibility of getting her to her appointments very early each day, and still be back in time to work.  I was so relieved to be able to take care of her medically, and still provide for her and her sissy.

But, since then, I am so thankful for my homestead based job in a whole other way.  I first noticed problems, when I really think about it, as far back as 2012.  At that time I was a food demonstrator in our local Walmart, and during the first of the month and the Christmas season, when there was more of a crowd, I would experience what I didn't know at the time was anxiety attacks.  They were not really bad back then, just the need to flee the store and get away from the crowds kind of attacks.  However, in the six years since then, they have become much worse, and far more often.

Image:  Living By Faith Hometead/ Tracy Few

There are days that I can't even step over the threshold of the front door.  On those days, I can't even bring myself to take Miss Rooh for a walk.  Some days, I can make it outdoors and on those days I straighten up around the homestead or piddle in the garden.  On most days, when grocery shopping is needing done, I have to force myself to go.  And when I do go when I get home I am exhausted the rest of the day---mentally and physically.  I do not seem to have a problem in the house, or on the days I am able to take Miss Rooh for a ride around town.  On those days I do not even get out of the car, until we get back.  It seems when I have to leave the safety of the homestead, or the car, the issues creep up.

It is hard to describe how I feel and each attack is not always the same.  It is like an overriding sense of fear.  One instance I was grocery shopping, on a day it was physically painful to even step outside, but we needed groceries.  I was in the middle of the store, and suddenly had the urge to flee.  Then I got physically nauseous.  That was one of the worst ones out I have had to date.  It is not a good feeling, and when it happens you are so embarrassed, wondering if anyone has noticed.  I practically ran through the store, getting only what we were desperate for and then heading to the homestead.  I have since tried, on days like that, not to force myself out.

So, when I say that my thankfulness for my homestead based job takes on a whole new meaning, you understand what I am saying.  I honestly believe, with these feelings becoming progressively worse over the last six months, that if not for this job, I would be unemployed.  No employer is going to understand on days I can't leave the house to come into work, and therefore not keep me very long.  But with my current employment I do not have to worry about that.  I can still provide for me and Miss Rooh, pay the bills, and not have the extra stress of worrying about being fired for being afraid.

And for that I am more grateful than words could ever express.

Accepting My Place In This World

When I first moved to the homestead in 2009, I knew nothing about the country way of life, let alone self-reliance.  I had never showed an interest in anything country, because I was a born and raised city girl.  Never in my then 43 years had I dreamed that I would be living on the once farm land that my mother grew up on as a child.

I live behind my Aunt Mary Ellen, in a small house that is about ten steps from her back porch.  When I was lost, and scared, she and my Uncle Keni offered me the small house until I decided what I wanted to do.  What was supposed to only be a couple of weeks, has so far turned into ten years...LOL!!!

It wasn't that I didn't know what I would LIKE to do, the Good Lord just hadn't put me in the position to do it.  I felt that he was keeping me here for some reason, and through the ten years he has showed me that was just the case.  From the loss of my Uncle Keni, to my Aunt Mary Ellen being alone for a few years, to my now sick Uncle Lucian, my family has needed me, I feel, in some way or another.  In the over scheme of his plan, the Lord has showed me in each stage just why he has kept me here.  

I have struggled financially from the very day I moved here, and when I think about it, that was also the Lord's way of making me stay put.  He knew that if my needs were met, and not so much my wants, that I would realize, in the end that this is where I am to be.  For years, I would look at rental property back home, and agonize over wanting to leave here.  I wanted to be where I once felt comfortable.  Where I knew my way around and felt secure.  But, in the last few months, I have decided that for now, this is my comfortable and secure place.  It is where I work, where I live with Miss Rooh (and Baby Booh until she passed last November), and I have family members near by that on a daily basis show me what I mean to them.  I would not have that back home.  So, I have decided to stop looking for my happy place, because right here, right now...this is it.  

It took me ten years to get to this understanding.  Ten years of woulda, coulda, shoulda.  Ten years of pulling myself back up by my boot straps.  Other than the homestead, which my Aunt owns, everything me and Miss Rooh have we earned.  Through times of worry, doubt, and even times of not near enough to pay the bills.  But, we did it.  It goes to show that the Good Lord will put you where he wants you, and will give you what you need.  I guess I just had to learn that.

Now, I am living by that faith (hence the name of the homestead) because it has done pretty well by me for the last ten years.  No reason to think it wouldn't continue to do so :)