Learning To Live With What I Can And Can't Control

Since my parents passing, this is the one subject that I just can't seem to get a hold on.

Image:  BPlans

My mother always said that I was too impatient and that I tried to control everything too much.  I knew she was right, so I never argued the subject.  However, since I have been on the homestead, I have found an overwhelming need to control everything I can. 

I am the only source of income, the only one providing for me and Miss Rooh.  I am in a constant state of, for lack of a better way of describing it, feeling tense all the time.  I am constantly thinking about that next bill, the next trip to the grocery store, the next unexpected event that might come along. 

Image:  BrainPrick

I really believe my current anxiety, which I have mentioned in previous entries, stems at least ninety percent from this feeling of needing to control everything around me  When I say around me, I mean within the confines of the homestead and not other places or people--just life as it pertains to me and Miss Rooh.  I think it has, lately, been the reason for my non-stop days of headaches.  Some are just barely noticeable, and others make me want to run back to bed and pull the covers over my head.

Now, keep in mind, when I say homestead there are those that take issue with it.  They say I do not have a homestead, and should not call it that.  I do not have animals, and I do not own the land or the house I am living in.  I do have a small raised garden that I fashioned two years ago, and hope to add onto one day.  I do not think that I will ever have animals, although I do like the idea of it.  Maybe some chickens, a small pig, a goat, and maybe a donkey.  I know they would end up being more like pets, but that is okay.  I would never keep any of them with the thoughts of them ever being food. 

Since my ten years here on the homestead, I have found that some things I can control and some things I never will.  Like I said, I do not own the land nor the house I live in.  So that is controlled by my landlord.  Yes, there are things I would like to do inside and outside the house, but I do not because it is not mine to say or not say what is done.  So, I accept that as out of my control.

Image:  ezTalks

As far as income, my homestead is not a profiting homestead--for the reasons listed above.  My current income and the only income coming in is provided by jobs that I work as a freelancer.  This employment comes with the benefit of being about to work out of my home--which let me tell you if you can get and keep enough work is the ideal way to go.  I have been freelancing for going on three years in February as a phone rep, and recently added a few writing jobs as well.  I am praying to keep all my current positions and add more, for as long as possible.  However, the job of a freelancer is one area that I have no control over.  I work as hard as I can, and as often as I can, doing the best I can, but like everything else in this world nothing is guaranteed--my type of work is day to day, week to week, and month to month.  You are totally at the mercy of your clients.

In the meantime, I am trying desperately to get my savings built back up.  I loaned what little I had put back for Miss Rooh and emergencies, and have not been able to get anything built back up since.  Today I am going to work on a rough plan for our homestead finances for the remainder of the year after I get off work.  I am hoping by having a little idea of what we have now and what I predict will be coming in, that I can see where we need to cut and how much we can put back.

I am one of those types that need control over and in their life.  I was raised that way by my precious mother.  When I run up against something, or someone, that makes me feel like that control is either in danger of or being taken away, I do not react well.  I am trying to change this little by little, but I feel I will always be this way to a certain extent.  Now the step is to try and learn to live with what I can and can't control.

At the end of the day, what I can't control I put in the hands of the Good Lord.  He has seen me through and would never lead me wrong.  What a great feeling that is :)